Make your relationship better

Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 12:07 pm

1. Without quality time, your relationship will not survive. Carve out at least half an hour a night, and at least one day a month when you the two of you spend time exclusively together.

2. You will both need security, comfort. A good relationship is built on compromise and a great deal of give and take on both sides.

3. Keep your dependence and independence in balance. Tell and show your partner how much you need him, but don't cling, as that can make your partner feel trapped.

4. Encourage him to listen to you, by showing appreciation when he does. By the same token, show interest when he talks to you. Be aware that most men aren't mentally programmed for conversation in the way women are. They need more silence and internal time.

5. Make him appreciate you. Don't wait for a spontaneous compliment, but say something good about yourself and ask for his agreement.

6. Teach him, preferably early in your relationship, exactly how to give you a fail-safe orgasm because it's unlikely he'll find out alone. If you don't yet know yourself, find out.

7. Learn to do the one thing that is most likely to restore good feeling in your relationship - giving your partner a genuine, loving and approving smile.

8.Often those subtle quirks that first attracted you to your partner can, with time, turn around and become toe-curlingly annoying habits. Learn to love him, warts and all.

9. Hidden resentments poison a relationship; so if something bothers you, say it. Remember that while men are wary of emotional conversations, they love to find solutions. Express your problem and then ask him to help you find the answer.

10. Learn that punishing your partner won't work. It may make you feel better to give him a hard time, but it will actually make him dig his heels in more. A better tactic is to reward the things you like and ignore what you don't like.

11. Money is the number one cause of couple conflict. For a relationship to work, you need to address your finances and work out a budget.

12. If the domestic work is not divided fairly between you, it will cause friction in your relationship. Make a list of the domestic tasks, talk it through with your partner and mobilise the whole family, your partner included, to share the work.

13. If you have children, involve your partner as much as possible with the childcare - even if you feel he's not as good as it at you are. It's important to present a united front to your children.

14. Sort out your sex life. The sex may ebb and flow over the years, but if sex starts going downhill, don't just accept it. As soon as you notice a slide, question why and then work at bringing the passion back.

15. Don't assume you won't be tempted to have an affair as almost everyone is. You need to learn to resist. If you do stray, don't feel it spells the end of your relationship. Most couples recover, particularly from a one-night-stand, and often find that unrooting the cause of the affair helps them to get even closer. So, you need to learn to resist. But don't think that an affair is the end of everything.

16. Remember that boredom typically covers up anger. If you feel bored with him, ask yourself what you're angry about.

17. Be aware that men generally feel overwhelmed by emotion more than women do. If he's angry or tearful, half an hour's 'unflooding' time to himself will help get his balance back and make him more able to interact positively with you.
_________________

Average Poster Joined: Jan 05, 2007 Posts: 110

Sisi!
Thank you so much for this! These are incredible tips!I wish people could follow at least half of them.
Thanks again!! Smile

Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 12:18 pm

Uliya most people think that after the wedding or when they move
in together and start living as a couple, that there is nothing else
to do. Then they are surprised that they are not living happily ever
after like Cinderella.
Marriage takes working at. People need to remember that, otherwise
we end up taking one another for granted, then problems start. Wink

Average Poster Joined: Jan 05, 2007 Posts: 110

Sisi!
I saw a lot of marriges: my relatives', friends'. Most of them were not happy .. for different reasons.
I know that marriage requires a lot of work from both sides. Get marry is easy , be happy at your wedding is easy too, but after wedding ,...there are many barriers.Keep your marriage happy is not easy.
For me.. I'll try to do my best, I'll try to follow things you wrote, I'll try to follow my heart and clear mind. I'll try to use experiance of the couples I saw and I'll try to not repeat their mistakes.

Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 1:20 pm

That's what mean. There are no guarantees in life.
Sometimes even our best is just not good enough
Shocked

Average Poster Joined: Jan 05, 2007 Posts: 110

I know! But that is the way our life is...
That is why I pray and ask God to give me not just good destiny, but courage and patience to handle the difficalt situations

Posted: Sun Jan 21, 2007 2:02 pm

Amen!!!!
I honestly believe that God's word is the key to
marriage. Sure there will be problems along the
way, but He does guide us.

Average Poster Joined: Jan 05, 2007 Posts: 110

the God's words are the key to everything in this world.
And the problems...that is just a test we have to pass before something good happens in our lives. At least I think about my problems that way. Smile

Posted: Mon Jan 22, 2007 4:00 pm

Uliya with everything we go through, God is actually refining us,
but we actually have to make postitive steps to make things happen.

Forums Moderator Joined: May 18, 2005 Posts: 1023

The Bible is the perfect book to help you make your marriage work.

In Ephesians 5:22-28

The Bible tells the wife to submit to your husband and the husband should love his wife as Christ loves the Church and gave Himself for the church (Remember He died on the cross for the salvation of the world).

Marriage is truely a comprise. More points to add to the list:

1. Don't not disrespect your husband ( in private or public); when you get home you can tell him nicely why you don't agree with him on the topic. Remember people will do what they see you do.

2. Never raise your voice at each other.

3. Support each other; mostly in a Christian marriage, the husband is the "head" of the household; regardless of how much more intellient you are than he is, and how much more money you make! Remember God is a God of order! He made Adam before Eve.

4. The phrase "behind every successful man is a good woman" means nothing; God took a rib from his side, not his backbone! Your spouse is your "helper" not your better half, but your "other half".
Genesis 2:24
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh! ( I like the KJV better)

5. There is strength in number........don't try to work things out on your own, remember you're married now and two heads are better than one!

Posted: Tue Jan 23, 2007 6:00 am

Please no matter what happens sisters, do not fight
or have a shouting match with you husband while
out shopping.
It really does not look nice, and your children will
be disturbed by it.
Just try to control your feelings till later and discuss
with him in a cool manner.

Dont blame him and point fingers.

If you are supporting financially do not throw it in his face.

Don't have arguements with your mother in law..it is a
waste of time. Remember she has been around and
has experience. Thank her for her concerns. She knows
her son better than you do.

Allow your Mother- in-law to have her grandchildren around her.
You will be able to use this time to get closer to your husband.

Average Poster Joined: Jan 05, 2007 Posts: 110

About mother-in-low..
I don't know mine now, but I definately know that I will respect her. If she gave a birth to the person I fell in love with, she already deserve respect.
I saw some family that was ruined because of the bad relationship between wife and her mother-in low or husband and his mother-in -low. My best friend got divorsed like that.Of course there were another problems, but there was no respect between them.
Please respect each other, respect the people who around your family!

Forums Moderator Joined: May 18, 2005 Posts: 1023

I think sometimes when we get married, we think it is just us( me, my husband and kids); which is the beginning of trouble; because every marriage needs support!

I think couples start getting into trouble when the wife starts confiding in her siblings; and the siblings take her "side" and start to disrepect the husband and vice versa.

We should learn to support each other: as a man, when your wife does not have a baby right away, and your mom and sisters start "wondering"; stand up for your wife and tell them to leave her alone! She's already stressed enough as it is.

On a segment of Maury Povich ( talk show host) yesterday; this lady wanted a paternity test to prove to her husband's sister that her 10 month old son was her husbands! Shocked

Even though the husband came on stage and stated that the child was his, his sister swore up and down the child was not her brother's ( wonder where she would get an "idea" like that?)
In any event it was proven by the DNA test results that the child was his; and the wife wanted to kick the sister-in-law's butt (which I think she should have done prior to the show). Laughing

But that was just a clear example of what happens when couples tell their "business" to relatives! Who knows, he may of suspected his wife and voiced his concerns to his sister.............and the rest is a segment on a "talk show"!

Average Poster Joined: Jan 05, 2007 Posts: 110

Lately, I read a lot of information about Islam. I was curios this religion long time. I read a Quran and went throug many web sites.
Well, I found a lot of interesting information. Here is one article from one web site about islam that gives a tips for relationship between husband and wife. Even though it says for Muslim marriages, I think everyone can use them ...

Tips for a Better Husband and Wife Relationship
Although many Muslims may right now be in failing marriages and on a fast track to divorce and its terrible consequences, there are many ways to put their marriage back on the right track if the husband and wife are sincere in their desire to reconcile.

The following principles can be used by Muslims whose marriages are already in trouble or by Muslims who would like to avoid trouble in their marriage.

Examples of Negative Relationship of Husband & Wife
Many Muslim husbands and wives treat each other like adversaries rather than partners. The husband feels that he is the boss, and whatever he says goes. The wife feels that she must squeeze everything she can out of her husband. Some wives never show their husband that they are satisfied with anything he does or buys for them in order to trick him into doing and buying more. They make him feel like a failure if he does not give them the lifestyle that their friends and families enjoy. Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or opinion in the family.

Marriage In The Eyes of Allah
It is very sad that this relationship which Allah (SWT) has established for the good has been made a source of contention, deception, trickery, tyranny, humiliation, and abuse. This is not the way marriage is supposed to be.

Allah (SWT) described marriage very differently in the Holy Quran: '... He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts) . . . " (Holy Quran 30:21, Yusuf Ali Translation).

Do not be a Tyrant
Regardless of whether or not Islam has made the husband the head of the household, Muslims are not supposed to be dictators and tyrants. We are taught to treat our wives well. The Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives" (From Mishkat al-Masabih, No. 0278(R) Transmitted by Tirmidhi).

Be Partners in the Decision Making Process.
Follow the principle of 'Shura," and make decisions as a family. There will be much more harmony in the family when decisions are not imposed and everyone feels that they had some part in making them.

Never be Emotionally
Never be emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive to your spouse. The Prophet (SAWS) never mistreated his wives. He is reported to have said: 'How could they beat their women in daytime as slaves and then sleep with them in the night?"

Be Careful of Your Words
Be very careful what you say when you are upset. Sometimes you will say things that you would never say when you were not angry. If you are angry, wait until you calm down before continuing the conversation.

Show Affection
Show affection for your mate. Be kind, gentle, and loving.

Be Your Spouse's Friend
Show interest in your mate's life. Too often, we live in the same house but know nothing about each other's lives. It would be great if the husband and wife could work together for the same cause or on the same project. They could perhaps establish a husband/wife prison ministry, take care of orphans in their home, or lead an Islamic weekend class.

Show Appreciation
Show appreciation for what your spouse does for the family. Never make your husband feel that he is not doing good enough for the family or that you are not satisfied with his work or his efforts, unless, of course, he is truly lazy and not even trying to provide for the family.

The Prophet (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'On the Day of Judgment, God will not look upon the woman who has been ungrateful to her husband." (where is this hadith found) Show your wife that you appreciate her. If she takes care of the house and the children, don't take it for granted. It is hard work, and no one likes to feel unappreciated.

Work Together in the House
The Prophet (SAWS) is known to have helped his wives in the house. And if the Prophet (SAWS) was not above doing housework, modern Muslim husbands shouldn't feel that they are.

Communication is Important
Communication, Communication, Communication! This is the big word in counseling. And it should be. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other. It is better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let them pile up until an explosion occurs.

Forget Past Problems
Don't bring up past problems once they have been solved.

Live Simply
Don't be jealous of those who seem to be living a more luxurious life than your family. The 'rizq" is from Allah (SWT). In order to develop the quality of contentment, look at those people who have less than you, not those who have more. Thank Allah (SWT) for the many blessings in your life.

Give Your Spouse Time Alone
If your mate doesn't want to be with you all the time, it doesn't mean he or she doesn't love you. People need to be alone for various reasons.

Sometimes they want to read, to think about their problems, or just to relax. Don't make them feel that they are committing a sin.

Admit Your Mistakes
When you make a mistake, admit it. When your mate makes a mistake, excuse him or her easily. If possible, never go to sleep angry with each other.

Physical Relationship is Important
Be available to your mate sexually, and don't let your sexual relationship be characterized by selfishness. The Prophet (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'It is not appropriate that you fall upon your wives like a beast but you must send a message of love beforehand."

Have Meals Together
Try to eat together as a family when possible. Show the cook and the dishwasher, whether it is the husband or the wife, appreciation for his or her efforts. The Prophet (SAWS) did not complain about food that was put before him.

Be Mindful of Your discussion Topics
Never discuss with others things about your marriage that your spouse wouldn't like you to discuss, unless there is an Islamic reason to do so. Some husbands and wives, believe it or not, complain to others about their mate's physical appearance. This is a recipe for disaster.

Information about your intimate relations should be kept between you and your spouse.

Many of us treat our spouses in ways that we would never treat others.

With others, we try to be polite, kind, and patient. With our spouses, we often do not show these courtesies. Of course, we are usually with our spouses at our worst times --- when we are tired and frustrated after a hard day. After a bad day at the office, husbands usually come home angry and on edge. The wife has probably also had a hard day with the children and the housework. Wives and husbands should discuss this potential time bomb so that if they are short-tempered with each other during these times, they will understand the reasons rather than automatically thinking that their spouse no longer loves them.

Good marriages require patience, kindness, humility, sacrifice, empathy, love, understanding, forgiveness, and hard work. Following these principles should help any marriage to improve. The essence of them all can be summed up in one sentence: Always treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated. If you follow this rule, your marriage will have a much greater chance for success. If you discard this rule, failure is just around the corner.

Forums Moderator Joined: May 18, 2005 Posts: 1023

Thank you "lil" sister...........this article was very interesting! I just kind of disagree with certain points.

The Prophet:

1. had several wives.

2. give your spouse time alone.

Let me address point # 2 first: I may be wrong, but the time we spent at work, and doing other things that one must do, would make me all too eager to reach for my husband.

We can discuss the events of the day; help me work out any "kinks" in my day, pray for me and comfort me; and the same goes vice versa.

Point # 1.****deep breath***

First of all I believe that marriage is between 1 man and 1 woman. Anything contrary to that is "hurting" already! There is no way any human can love two persons at the same time, equally!

I mean when you leave my bed... Evil or Very Mad

....and go to another woman's bed.........that's adultery (sin).

In some cases, these women are forced to accept these situations............just for the sake of the "man's " happiness Shocked

What about my happiness? When are we gonna "marry" another man for the "woman's" happiness? I guess that'll be a first! That is, in the Islamic faith, that is!