I tried to force my way of thinking on my Liberian Love

Virgin Poster Joined: Dec 18, 2007 Posts: 8

I am an Black American woman. I have 2 children and I am 32 years old. I meet the man of my dreams and he is from Liberia. We are both here in the states. We talked for a long time before actually meeting and when I saw him I was in LOVE! The problem I am having is that now he is gone and I am pregnant with his son. I need to know what I need to do to get him back! You see he is the oldest son and has brought his mom to the states. Of all the women he has been involved with i am the only one to meet his mother so I felt special! I did however, had a hard time understanding how he did things for his family! He would send money and would not have things for himself. I really did not understand how a person could operate like that! I am not and have never been in that situation with my family. Of course I am a female but still. I would talk against it! He would tell me that these were things he had before we met and it was his responsiblity! He has left me before but came back and everytime money came up I would bring up his situation. He has been wonderful to me and my children and I know I will never find another man like this!!! He is the kindess person I know! The best man I have ever met! Now I am pregnant with his son and I don't know what to do. I have called and begged but he will not respond to me. I know he will care for the child but I and my children want him in our lives!!! I have excepted that I was wrong to talk against his mother! I know now that I have to except his culture! He is the kind of person that can not be forced to talk and is not easliy persuaded! I want to do right by him as I can not lose this man! I respect him and love him! I want to be his wife!
In this case what would a Liberian woman do?
Should I back off and give him time? Should I continue to call and plead my case for not understanding him in the beginning? I am prayerful![

Forums Moderator Joined: May 18, 2005 Posts: 1023

First of all a Liberian woman would understand his responsibility to his family and support him as much as one can. You have to understand, since the war, there are families where the only financial support comes form just one individual(the oldest child) in the US!

Even as a Liberian, I find it hard to understand why they continue to wear themselves out financially and go without in order to help those back home. Well for one thing, most of my family is here in the US and the brother I have back home, if financially able to take care of himself and his family. So whatever "giving" I do is purely seasonal. Technically, I'm in no position to judge, or anything else!

The other question is are you "understanding" because you want him back and then as soon as he starts sending money to his family again, you bring it up? If that is the case, he's probably not gonna come back, but if you are sincere, and you've let him know, give him some time to think about it and work it out on his own!

You can only continue to love him and pray for him and that he realizes what the two of you had together and come back to you. Unless of course you did such a number on him and he can't find it in his heart to forgive you.

Be blessed!

Virgin Poster Joined: Dec 18, 2007 Posts: 8

I was understanding the whole time!! It was just my seeing him struggle that way and I would tell him to explain to his family that some things he could not do! I allowed him to stay in my home without paying any bills. I just wanted him to contribute as he could. I guess I always felt a little worried because he had so many women pulling at him all the time. Ex girl friends, Friends that he had been with sexually etc. etc. I wanted him to see that all those old ways of his needed to end. I wanted to be all he needed as a friend etc. I wanted to be his wife! But I know I am worth being the ONLY one. I would say things in discussions we had about money only! If you live under the same roof I should expect a little assistance. When I look at things I hope he did what he could!
Am I so wrong?
I was willing to stick by his side no matter what! I am no ngel now! I had a lot of bad ways when we met. But thru my knowing him I have become a better person! I only strongly wanted himto have things for himself as well!

Forums Moderator Joined: May 18, 2005 Posts: 1023

I don't know how long ago this was, but it's like you guys met the worng time. I don't think it was wrong of you insist that he contribute towards houselold expenses, or to insist that his "ex" not call or come around. If he left because of that, no matter how much you loved him, then you're better off without him. I know, I don't know him and don't love him, but if he did love you and wanted a life with you, he would have found other ways to help his ex-girlfriend.

How can I say so? I, as a Liberian woman would not tolerate no Liberian man living with me unless we were married. If we are in a relationship, and you're still doing stuff for your ex-girlfriends and you don't have children with them, that's a problem! I'm not saying you can be generous, but at what time are you gonna start thinking of "our" future and "our" child?

Like I said, you are probably better off with him gone! Take care of your child, God willing, you will find a man who will take care of you the way a real man should.

Virgin Poster Joined: Dec 18, 2007 Posts: 8

So a Liberian wonman would have a voice? The way he talked the women would be silent and the man could do as he pleased! Keep in mind we had a lot of great times together and I don't want the picture to be so grey. When he first came he was living in his car!! I could not say I love you and I'm in the house with all the comforts and OK go saty in your car. I felt so bad for him!! I don't think his mother knows this and not sure if she cares. I would think that she would ask how he was doing and try to know how he was living! To me it just looked so bad that a mother would not be concerned for the childs well being!!! I don't know the true struggles they had but I believe it was bad!! So I tried to be quiet and be pateint! Is it the culture to leave behind a child?
That's what his dad did and I really did not think he would ever do that!

Forums Moderator Joined: May 18, 2005 Posts: 1023

Are you sure he was living in his car because he was assisting his relatives back home? Or was it because he was irresponsible and could not keep a job?

Why would he let his mother know if his situation was the result of his helping them?

What is his name? You can pm his name. I won't tell. Liberia is a fairly small country, everybody knows somebody.......if you get my drift.

Virgin Poster Joined: Dec 18, 2007 Posts: 8

He has a job. Has had it for 4 years. He is responsible I guess. He was just living in his car so he could finish up helping his MOM. Are you in the states? Let me know beofre I release the name.

Forums Moderator Joined: May 18, 2005 Posts: 1023

Yes, I'm in the states, that's why I didn't want you to release the name in the posting. I may or may not know him. I don't know every Liberian.

Is his mother in the US? I still don't understand why his family didn't know he was living in his car? And why was he living in his car?

Virgin Poster Joined: Dec 18, 2007 Posts: 8

Yes she is now in the states! He says he was doing that so he could have her enough money to go back and live comfortable! Is that somehting that is asked of a son? Also, Do Liberian mothers except black American women being with their son? Would I be excepted?

Forums Moderator Joined: May 18, 2005 Posts: 1023

I don't know of any mother that would ask that of their sons. If she did ask that of her son, why would she let him go live with her? Are you sure you got the right story? The more pieces to the story, the more "fishy" it smells! You didn't say what Liberian mothers expect of African Americans dating their sons.

Forums Moderator Joined: May 18, 2005 Posts: 1023

My bad. I know there are lots of Liberian mothers who say: it's their child's choice!

Basically, the child is the one that has to live with that person. You have to understand some of them don't accept even Liberian women for whatever reasons!

Virgin Poster Joined: Dec 18, 2007 Posts: 8

She to my knowledge has never said anything! I was just asking. I think she was a little worried that I have 2 children but he has a child too. A child here in the state by another American woman. Don't get off track...
I am just worried that I will now have to bare this child on my own.
More insight....
How do I privately chat with you!!

Forums Moderator Joined: May 18, 2005 Posts: 1023

It seems that you're gonna have to bare the responsibility of this child all by yourself. what she should be more concerned with is that another grandchild is coming into this world without the "father" present! you can send me a private message...........if you click on my screen name it will show you how.